In my hyperverbal Autistic experience, typically my head is so swamped with words that are aching to get out- not having anywhere for them to land can be like a swirling hurricane churning underneath my skin. (I’ve actually learned recently that this lifelong sensation is a meltdown- not just something “everyone feels”).
Post-election, however, it felt more like all my words got sucked up in an internal vacuum. When I tried to check in- there just seemed to be a blank, gray drumming of “We got nothing.” And so, my hurricane got more and more chaotic as my words became more silent.
Holding The Yap In
I felt like anything I posted on social media had to “be something” and I had nothing to offer.
I didn’t feel the “spark of inspiration” or even know what words to write down (and was a little afraid to start writing tbh). I didn’t pull out my journal because if I started writing “wtf” over and over again- I might just break in a million pieces and I didn’t feel like I had anywhere to fall.
So all the words, all the half-baked thoughts, all the circular over-analyzing just got held inside my brain. Trying to work it out, intellectually, before I put anything down. All the while, my skin feeling like it’s trying to peel away from my body. Or like I’m wearing the most ill-fitted human meat suit and it hurts just to exist.
Make It Make (Number) Sense
I often think the way we sometimes try approach life is similar to something I competed in during school called Number Sense. They gave you a pen and a pack of math problems. Your goal was to only write the answer on the paper- no work shown, do it all in your head. (I was okay at this, but never good enough to place lol)
Some people are so good at math like this. But I don’t think number sense techniques are best applied to every situation- particularly life ones. If I stare at my brain harder, looking for the equation to make what ≠ the fuck, will the answer be 46?
If I know talking and writing to get my words out is healing for me- essentially "showing my process" in math terms- but I clam up because I can’t be bothered to make a mistake even in my own journal then... what exactly am I hoping for? To suddenly be a number sense extraordinaire?
Another question I encountered this week was: What exactly am I waiting for? A big bop on the head? Some mystical conditions that I, myself, have not even defined?
Often times we’re waiting for that lightning rod of divination to zap us and eat/pray/love our life in 15 seconds. (or something).
But we create those moments for ourselves to encounter those lightning bolts. Sometimes through tiny actions; sometimes through bigger ones.
It’s difficult when our brains are cloudy.
And, like, literally- there's so much in your head. So many thoughts and emotions and sensory things you're processing.
Sometimes I seem to hold words back from myself because I don’t want to put things on paper unless I know what they are.
It’s like a self-flagellation for not having the answer I so desperately want to know. But if I would just pose the question- or shit, write literally anything. A poem about frogs, a joke about beanie babies, a horror story about a palm reader. I could see just a little bit more clearly. It's funny sometimes what a poem about frogs will do for you.
The Yap Is Sacred
The yap is a sacred healing practice. Verbal or written. Engaging with words- especially when they matter deeply to you- is important.
I’m not talking about the kind of toxic yapping some people do that goes nowhere, spreads hate, and causes pain. (A fear of unintentionally spewing this kind of self-centered gibberish might be a piece of what causes a cyclical loop as I wonder what it is I’m trying to articulate- which… fair.) But if you’re here, and you’ve read this far- I think it’s likely your words are important to you because they’re:
regulation for your nervous system
help you process what’s happening
busy-up your brain and need space to land
What will you write today?
3 things to try if you look in your head and there’s just a gray, cloudy nothingness:
Ask a question (if it feels safe to do so)
Write something silly (see examples above about frogs & beanie babies)
Talk about the feeling in your brain
If only a few words come out, then that’s great! Any words are good.
If the words start flowing and you fill up a lot of space- go for as long as you like.
Get more tips on creative writing for unmasking here.
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*Note - There's nothing "wrong" with not speaking, being non-speaking, or needing to take time away. This is purely written from my experience, in that, with words being an outlet both verbally and in writing- holding everything in and abstaining from expressing myself was harmful to my personal spiritual and mental health. It's also inaccurate to say that I "went nonverbal". I hope that however you express yourself, you find safe, comfortable spaces to do so.
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